Friday, July 13, 2012

too much

I haven't written one of these in a while. Not because there is nothing to say but because there is too much to say! For a long time now I have sat down to write and I get overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that nothing seems to come out at all! It's amazing how you can be living a seemingly mundane life on the outside yet soo much goes on on the inside. Guilty am I of an intricate inner life.

I can't seem to get it sorted right now. It has been such a season of learning...a LONG season of learning and yes I'm still in it! I keep having dreams that I am back in school (not fun) taking tests. I just keep praying I pass and whatever I'm supposed to learn I learn! I have heard it said the longer the transition takes the more profound the change.

Something I'm learning about myself is that I never knew I could be so "stubborn"..but in a good way. I think that's what perseverance is sometimes. There are some things you find you just can NOT compromise on under any circumstance, even if it brings the sting of loneliness into your life. Sometimes a trial comes and when it's over you look back and realize you just found out what you were made of. 

I know that I have been learning how to REACH for Him. In the mundane I am REACHING for Him. In the frustration I am REACHING for Him. In the anger I am REACHING for Him. And in the joy of trial and perseverance, (yes I said joy) I reach for Him. Learning how to put a demand on His anointing and loving kindness because I am one who is in need of it, and knowing I am in need is half the battle. Instead of letting the frustration of the season shut me down (and it has many times before) I am leaning into Him anyways, because He ALONE makes me lie down in safety (Psalm 4:8). So many times I have tried to comfort my aching heart with other things and through other means but I have learned the hard way that He is my ONLY remedy. There's that word again...learn. This whole thing sounds repetitive to me, have I written a post like this before?? I think I have been here for a while. Probably because it's taking me forever to learn whatever it is I need to learn!! ;)  

Jesus said "those who have been forgiven much, love much" (Luke 7:47). He is not referring to a literal list of what we have done wrong He is saying it's a matter of perspective. We have ALL been forgiven of so much, it's just a matter of whether we realize it. To the degree we realize how much He has forgiven us is to the degree that we will love much. I haven't done it right, I haven't done it perfect, and sometimes I have done it with a bad attitude but I'm still here. I'm still here Lord and that has to count for something right?

...because You gladly lean to lead the humble, I shall gladly lean to leave my pride...

"We don't have to understand God in order to trust Him. Instead, we have to trust Him in order to understand Him."
-Kamran Yaraei

maybe in my next post things will be more "defined" but then again... 

1 comment:

  1. Kate has been having dreams of taking tests in school too! And I also keep having dreams I'm in school, but mine are always the first day of school and I'm always late or worried I'm going to be late.

    Interesting stuff.